Beautiful creepy things

Children with flowers; Homelessness, belonging; Emerging, disappearing; Sound, visuals, emotion;






This all reminds me of Bayona's 'The Orphanage'.

Kevad toas

nüüd on kärbes ka

Local gender studies

Participant observation among students of Edinburgh University, the main library, 2d floor, south eastern corner. Wednesday 16th February, 2011.

From the total of 24,759 students of Edinburgh University, 44% of the students are male, 56% female.




















Results: There are more male than female students in the library at night. Most of the people tend to go home before 1.30am. All of the students staying after that seemed to have an assignment for the next day.
The peak at 23.30 occurs most likely due to the closing of the 5th and 6th floor at 23.00.

The day of slow plenty

I slept two hours, but the night was only a snapshot.
I was supposed to have lunch with Sophie.
When I got to uni by noon I found out that the assignment was due at 2pm.
Two more critically needed extra hours.
No lunch but the last Conservation Management lecture. Islands. My last science/ecology lecture. Ever?
I talked about things in the class. I think the guest lecturer liked me.
I liked myself when I said calm sentences that I actually thought.
I cycled home and ate the rest of my Chinese take-away.
Got a call, so I'll be going to work tomorrow by eight. That's why I'm still awake, don't want to lose time sleeping.
It's Valentine's Day. It has been a day of friends. Head sõbrapäeva!
I had tea and scones, it kind of rains. Some Wadabi peas from Japan, OP and Ventsli Etnokonserve.

Rohkem unenägusid, vähem stressi, palun

Väsimus hakkab järele jõudma. Ma arvan, et asi on päikese puudumises: eile kui ta säras oli elu hoopis midagi muud kui täna. Nüüd on taevas jälle lootusetult hall.

Õnneks näen vahepeal toredaid maastikuteemalisi unenägusid. Nädal tagasi ujusin kuskil sopases ja kalarohkes erarannas ja vahepeal kõndisin ka vee peal. Üle-eile sõitsin rongiga Väätsa kolhoosi lehmalautade juurest Saksamaale. Kõik oli hästi suur ja avar, ainult meie rong oli vana kiitsakas, mis vist maast erandunult kihutades küljelt küljele kõikus. Maa oli tuhm ja sõitsime mööda ka lillehekkidest ning ööbisime üht Hiiumaa spordihoonet meenutavas kaarhallis. Lõpuks tundus, et oleme tagasi Järvamaa karjamaadele jõudnud, olin oma avastusest hämmastunud, kui tundsin ära kodumetsa tagused põllud. Jooksin ja jooksin, hüpped muutusid suuremaks, nii et lõpuks ma pea lendasin.

Võib-olla kõik peabki praegu nii raske olema. Võib-olla pole miski raske, ma ainult kujutan ette. Tahaks, et ei peaks tööl käima ja et võiksin reaalselt öelda, et võtan õhtu või terve pühapäeva vabaks, pesen pesu ja panen riidehunniku diivanilt kappi.

Eile öösel oli mingi Max Plancki kokkusaamine, mida oli vaja korraldada -- igavene jama, ja Nõukogude stiilis laualinad... See unenägu vaheldus minu ja kellegi teise Vene-Aasia saarele vangiviimisega. Viimane oli väga põnev. Kõigepealt pandi meid keskmise suurusega sõjapaati ja algas tee tumeda saare poole. Siis kõndisime mägedevahelises orus, kus marssis ka keegi aasialane, nägu peas raske. Maastik oli nagu Mt Edeni Over Dose. Olin elevil, sest pidime seal olema vaid päeva, kiire oli meie vabastamisega. Mina, teine vangistatu ja meie valvur jõudsime taluni, siis hakkaski meie arrest lõppema ja istusime enne tagasiminekut puhkama. Pakuti piima. Kõik oli teisest maailmast ja veidi ohtlik, kaasa arvatud piim, mida tootsid mäejalamil kasesaludes elavad suured lehmad.

Täna olin pisike kõrbeloom, vist rebane, aga mitte päris fennek. Jooksin ja kaevasin liivaküngastel käike, seebiooperi kanti draamat oli, vahepeal sai keegi surma, siis oli eriti palju jooksmist ja asjaajamist. Kahjuks pidin jälle inimeseks saama, et suurde ankaari aru minna andma, põgenesin ja läksin hoopis endise korterikaaslase ja ta perega Araabiasse. Mina ja sõbranna sõitsime pool maad rattaga, pool autoga. Pärast metsavaheteid kohale jõudes, polnud laat mitte midagi erilist, meenutades pigem ülitolmust Türi Lillelaata oma amatöörsete klaasimaalikestega, mida aknale riputada, kui õiget bazaari.

little horse

author unknown

Kevadtujud

Kallis,

Kas tead neid päevi, kui sooviksid mitte eksisteerida või kui, siis olla keegi teine? Olla mujal, olla kevadpäikselisel Prantsusmaal, istuda võõral maal akna all ja vaadata õue, käia samu radu, aga mitte endana. Viimane on vist küll pigem kalduvus mitteolemisele, tahaks elada vähem, tahaks ainult kaugelt vaadata kuidas keegi elab, loeb, külmadel ookeanirandadel jalutab, teinekord naerab, siis voodis kerra tõmbab ja hingab. Jah, siis ehk ei peaks tundma, et minagi olen see, kes elab proovielu, on aja ära, või õigemini -- mõtleb aja ära. Aeg lendab mööda, täis teokssaamata hirme, unistusi ja kogemusi. Võib-olla on seegi hirm surma ees, kuigi tundub olevat hirm elu ees. Hirm selle üheainsa elu ehk surelikkuse ees.

Eks teisedki aja oma ideaalelu taga. Vahel ta tundub pea käegakatsutav olevat, aga ikkagi kaob iga kord, kui olevik kätte jõuab.

Päike paistab. Kevad tuleb, kuigi hommikul sadas lund. Eile sadas vihma, ka üleeile. Istun, ilmselgelt veidi nukker eksamitulemuste pärast, park on suur ja heleroheline, puude varjud on veninud üle muru. Inimesed marsivad mõnusalt kuhugi. Ma pole ammu kurbasid inimesi näinud. Kuulasin enne Sõpruse Puiesteed, siis tuli meelde, et tegelikud on nemadki kuskil olemas, võib-olla nokitsevad kuskil Venemaa oblastis ja plaanivad pärast teismeiga Piiterisse kooli minna, teevad esimesi internetiavastusi ja lõhuvad ojajääd, et kevad kiiremini kätte jõuaks.

Poor small talk

Good old awkwardness at its best. Time in slow motion.


A (glances at B's food): Looks good
B (oh no, small talk...): Umh. (I hope he gave up... Hmm, I think I'm getting a lazy eye, there is something happening to the eye for sure. Hm, I wonder will I be doing any work later today, I really need to write the essay.. Man, why do I always cut myself at work. Haha, it would be really funny if the kitchen was all covered in blood. Hearing an owl this morning was pretty cool. Yea, that was way cool...)

A: I'm really hungry. It's a bit late for lunch isn't it?
B: Yea... Well, it's Saturday, so it's all good...
A: Yes, um, I had a few bites for breakfast, too.
B: (says nothing, looks around; hmm, is he wearing eyeliner? Don't look, keep eating your food)
A: (gets his food, looks at B, nods a bit (maybe imagined), happy)
B: Happy?
A: Yes.

A,B: (silence, both texting)

B calls Aldona, the two agree upon meeting half way and going to the library together.

A: So do you work here? I've seen you working here.
B: Yes, I work here. I just finished work, I'm heading to the library to work. Lots of work. But it works out. It's all good (IT'S ALL GOOD, why am I blushing, oh, I have so much food left, should and pack it and take it with me? I'm pretty full anyways... Ooooh, I hate talking to strangers... Is he making a move? Is he just being polite? Why didn't he sit at a different table for god's sake, this table is so full! It's so full! There's three more people. It's full)

A: What do you study?
B: Ecology and bit of anthropology, I'm on my final year.
A: What are you doing afterwards?
B: Sorry, did you say after my degree?
A: Yes, yea.
B: I'm thinking of going travelling. I'm thinking of going travelling.
A: Where?
B: To the Americas. I'm thinking of Latin America.
A: Why?
B: I want to learn Spanish, I know it a bit already...
A: I went there during my gap year.
B: Was it good?
A: Yes, it was amazing.
B: I think I'd like to go to Russia too, but maybe in after Latin America.
A: What is travelling in Russia like?
B: I guess it's ok. People are very kind, I guess not always the safest.
A: Why to you wanna go to Russia?
B: It's kind of related to the the topic I'm interested in, I mean academically. I'd love to go to Siberia, yea..
A: What's there?
B: Snow and reindeer.
A: Ha ha.
B: Well there's the environmental problems, there's oil and gas exploration and on the other hand the reindeer herding, kind of a clash. The herders' culture is very interesting. (Omg I've reached a level where every conversation leads to my interest in reindeer herders)
A: Can't they somehow do both?
B: Not really.

Follows a dialogue about migratory routs of the reindeer.

Topic shifts to Estonia-Russia relations. (Another ageless classics. The Russian air force crossing Estonian air border is also mentioned).

A: That's kind of the guy's - Putin, is that the guy? - style. Isn't it?
B: Um, I guess...
A: And what was that once... Was it Ukraine?
B: Um?
A: Or Georgia...
B: Yes Georgia!! But Estonia is quite different to Georgia, although I guess all Estonians were particularly interested in what's happening.
A: Is it?
B: Yes.

B finished her food.
See-you-laters were said. B escaped the scene.

Back to Germany

Today I had a dream of moving to Hamburg. It was big and nice and German reminding me of Halle with its little squares of streets. Back in Halle we used to look down to the ground floor where a married couple walked with a little yellow plastic watering can and the fattest cat I've even seen lied on the back garden stairs lazily flapping its tale from side to side. The sunshine seemed as lazy as the cat. This is when I was taught to pronounce bourgeois, sitting next to tomato plants, herbs, treetops, gougouing pigeons and boxes and boxes of beer. I guess they would have said that we do not 'prefer comfort to pleasure, convenience to liberty, and a pleasant temperature to the deathly inner consuming fire. Actually our life was pleasantly comfortable, eastern or hessenian suffering and all that was extremely unpopular, it might have been the summer or maybe these times had passed overall.
Hamburg on the other hand didn't have the contrast of the communist districts and fat cats, unlike Halle, but still felt homey, it was a dreamland that belonged to me more or at least as much as to the others. I settled in a flat of young professionals who were wearing little artsy jackets. It was all quite fashionable and fresh. I felt excited and decided to learn German too.